Search Results

This week my attention was caught by an NPR broadcast (The Takeaway, WNYC, March 29. 2023 The Takeaway | WAMU) that spoke about the changes in work ethics caused by the last two and a half years of living under the pandemic. The announcer talked about changes in employment trends that may be altered forever by choices forced by closings, in particular the possibility of the 4-day workweek. I reflected on the way my own comfort with online work has eased, since the shutdowns. Initial anxiety at presenting classes to unknown clients has vanished, and I am completely at ease talking to strangers about anything at all, realizing that it was just my fear of the unknown that kept me away from the computer screen. A whole new world has opened to me! VALUES MEET CAREER CHOICES Already you have two different choices other than the 40-hour standard work week. I learned that this standard was set in the late 1800s because of industrialization and labor unions' rise, to set a standard of 8 hours labor, 8 hours sleep and 8 hours for yourself! The show raised awareness of how technology had not really freed us, but taken away our privacy at home, and decreased our freedoms. Enter the pandemic, and the rules were suspended. People began to rethink their relationship with work. Perhaps you have had this inner dialogue yourself? I was on the cusp of retirement, and when it came time to return, I watched my anxiety rise, and I realized there might be alternatives that would be more suited to my age and lifestyle. Here I am. Where do you find yourself? YOU AND ME VS. THE WORLD ECONOMY I began to take some courses on running an online business. As I was learning the basics, I realized that there was a large body of people in the world that think that the economy is tanking, and there were a lot of folks who felt the economy could tank at any moment and that online entrepreneurship was the only answer! How convenient for me! (lol) It shocked me, really, how many people were rushing into online work, selling people exactly what they are doing. What I had hopes of doing, and still do, is teaching some of the many skills I have learned over thirty or more years of counseling others and especially helping others to find peace in the midst of what feels like a very chaotic time in our world. As I realized that many of these economically minded people might be right, it set me thinking about the kinds of choices we all make about jobs, insurance, care of our kids and their educations, and how little others, including the government, are really thinking about any of that, the faster the world pace gets. I have the privilege of having my kids raised and out in the world, but my compassion for those who don't was really stirred. No wonder so many people are suffering from acute anxiety and depression! Less and less resources are being allotted to the things I consider to really matter. War and an alarming economy are all around us. How do you make sound decisions in that kind of environment? I mean really, how do you? Who do you turn to for help? HOW DO YOU LIVE AND BE HAPPY I have noticed that fewer people are in churches, the place that people historically have turned to for values and help. In the US we are becoming a secular society. Our families are split apart by careers that take us all over the world. What is the source of inner strength? I look at my own path where I found myself leaving the church of my childhood, which lost meaning in my 20s. When I married my husband and I looked for a faith we could agree on and found the Quakers, who encouraged us to be seekers and to seek to grow in the Light that is in all of us. People there lived their faith, which helped us see beyond what we felt was the hypocrisy of the churches of our youth. Now I have gravitated toward Buddhism, which recognizes the suffering in the world and teaches how to live in it and relieve it in ourselves and others. I see that my faith and how I live it must match and must address the conditions of the world. This also addresses a strong calling I feel to help others. It leads me to wonder how others address their own need to live and be at peace with the conditions of the world. Surely, I am not the only one who feels this disharmony in our society. TAKING RISKS For a long time, in my younger years, and perhaps because I lacked resources and tools, I avoided risks at any cost. I ran from conflict, and I only took risks or stepped out for justice in crowds, such as peace rallys or anti-war marches. I was frightened of being arrested or called to task for my political positions. Someone I cared about said an interesting thing to me: "If you are going to choose to follow a spiritual path, you must be prepared that a lot of people will not like you." She said it so kindly. Through that statement I realized a few things: that I had always been on a spiritual path that I would never be able to avoid risks if I wanted to grow that I could not avoid injustice and be true to myself We all have things that matter to us. They are different things, depending on who we are. Some of us choose never to stand up for our truth, in order not to make waves. We live our lives in private, or in two or more separate phases. As we grow older, I am sure that people who live that way suffer regret. For it means never to be truly seen for who one is. I know because I lived a part of my life that way for a time. As I have aged, I have come to see how important it is to live out who one truly is. It is the essence of one's spiritual life on earth. LIVING IN THE MOMENT This is one of the things Pandemic Thinking taught me. I was freed, partly by the money paid to stay home, and partly by staying home itself, to be myself. Once I felt that freedom, I couldn't go back to not being me. It's simple as that. I had to find a way to be myself, and make it work. This has resulted in my living my truth in so many ways each day, that I never expected. At times I felt I couldn't bear it. The only way I have is with each breath, each moment, each situation. Shinge Sherry Chayat Roshi authored a beautiful article in Tricycle magazine (March 17, 2023). She uses a text from 2600 years ago, the Diamond Sutra, to help us see that when we live in this moment, we transform whatever deeds of our own or others past into virtues: We may not think of ourselves as virtuous, but every time we refrain from callously expressing irritation, every time we restrain ourselves from consuming more than we need, and every time we offer dharma nourishment and material sustenance to one another, our minds grow in virtue. I don't have to accomplish this for a lifetime, but if I can do this for one moment, I have overcome whatever I have run from in the past, just for today. I have acquired a new tool, and put it into practice, and I feel peace. I have made a new choice. I have taken risks, but they feel different than before.

This blog, today, is primarily for women. Men are welcome to read because you will probably learn quite a bit. I've just put out a new digital course. The attached picture is of a short digital guide that is available for the asking, and will give you a good picture of what the course is about. WHY EMPOWERMENT AND SUCCESS I've renewed my focus on women and Empowerment Skills. You may ask why (or you may be noticing the need, just as I have). I want women (and people) everywhere to know that it is okay to speak up for what you need, it is okay to leave when you are being hurt, and it is okay to yell when being abused, physically,emotionally, or mentally. It is okay to ask for equal pay for equal work. It is okay to say NO. It is important to walk away when you are not being listened to. It is important to ask for help when you need it, whether it is to learn a skill, get out of feeling overwhelmed, or get safe. And it is especially important to learn that women are not the enemy, and to not ACT like the enemy if another woman asks for help. REPETITIVE CYCLES In our American culture (and elsewhere, but I'm not an expert on that), we have been acculturated to accept that we can't do better, that we must accept our roles, that if we speak up we will lose everything, that "this" is the best we can do, and that if we have been hurt before (such as in our families or prior relationships), we will surely be hurt again. In our minds, if people have spoken to us negatively or pejoratively, we start to believe what these people say, and we begin to talk to ourselves the same way. This leads to a phenomenon called "people-pleasing" where we are constantly trying to smooth things over to keep people happy, or alternatively to a form of defiance where we might fight everyone first before they hurt us and push away the people who try to get close and help us. Our inner guides are confused, and we end up trusting no one. Better to go it alone than to be hurt again. Ironically, we become very lonely and end up trusting the kind of person who hurt us in the first place, an abuser. The cycle goes on and on. HOW TO GET TO SUCCESS We start feeling like everything we touch turns to dust or worse. We think we are failing at everything we try, because these toxic people we choose will surely tell us so. We have to be careful not to fall into a victim role. We are NOT VICTIMS. We often need the help of another woman who has climbed out of the cycle. There we gain the insight we need, that the wool has been pulled over our beautiful eyes, the wolf is in the house, and we must run for our lives. We have brains, but they have fogged over from years of brainwashing, and we must get to a safe place to begin to learn how to use them. We must often give up self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, anxiety meds and other self-soothers (cutting, suicidal thoughts, etc.) and begin to let ourselves grow up. We often need groups of healthy women a few steps further along the path to lead us. We must unblind ourselves and start to believe we are capable. That's the hardest part! SUCCESS LOOKS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE Success is not about who has the most toys, or the most money or the shiniest new car. It's about getting over fear, loneliness and anger, and learning to trust. As that happens, you begin to hear your own inner voice, and you find out that you do have interests of your own, that your inner self is attracted to things you might never have known or have buried since childhood. I had a love of drawing when I was a child, but it was squashed from the time I was eight, so I buried it deep inside. It surfaced again as I watched my grandchildren's creativity coming alive and I was blessed to create with them, feeling that child inside me come alive right along with them. Some of us were meant to be artists, some engineers, some counselors, some mathematicians. I can't wait to hear from you what blossoms in you! NEW COURSE OFFERING: WOMEN'S EMPOWERMENT TOOL KIT I'm offering a new mini course, three hours of online live training, to allow you to experiment with learning Empowerment and Success skills. It's aimed at women 25 to 45 and its offered from now until May 15 for only $27.00, which is about a third of its value. If you go to my course page, you can sign up and I will send you the dates: linda-j-wilk.mastermind.com/masterminds/37169 EXTRA BONUS! If you sign up for this or for email now, I will send you my WOMEN'S SUCCESS AND EMPOWERMENT CHEATSHEET for absolutely no charge! I'd be honored to have you in my class where we can talk personally! Blessings to you! Linda J. Wilk March 17, 2023

Oddly, this isn't a question I get much. I think it's because most folks picture an image like this: an escape to peace. I'm guilty of this too. I want to remove myself from the problem, take the proverbial pause, but extend it until the problem goes away. I've grown to know this doesn't solve much. Living peace has come to be my greatest desire. It has driven me for much of my life. This was framed by growing up in a life filled with violence and chaos. It was my observing and intuitive spirit. I saw what some others had, and I craved it. But I lacked the skills and wherewithal to do much about it in my young life. I didn't have many teachers then; despite being immersed in primitive Christianity. I had a lot of questions and not too many answers. A lot of paradoxes, which I came to know later were how one learns. Then, pre-teen, it was just more confusion. Seeking when one is too young to receive can add to the chaos. From a peaceful, happy, Sunday-school attending youth, some inner disquiet began to blossom. No burgeoning youth likes to hear, "you wouldn't understand." How do you reconcile the violence of the home with sermons on Christ's love for all? How do you make sense of the lessons of Christ's new lesson of God's love with the punishing God taught to keep children in order. The answer: you don't. The message you hear most is the one that wins out. Then in adolescence, what happens is what we've all come to be familiar with; most children can't wait to get free of the church and its community. I could list the inconsistencies by chapter and verse in those days, for I was waging war against the church of my upbringing. I wasn't just waging it in my mind either. I was actively rebelling via dress, food, drugs, alcohol, actions, and manner. Lest you think I'm the lone keeper of this view, I must tell you that a whole generation of children in my youth became keepers of this vision. Some went to the extreme cults, still seeking to belong. Others, like me, went to the other extreme, eschewing all religion. Rejecting religion does not kill the seeker within. Something about the peace and love that passes all understanding stuck. My mother's pastor described it to her worrying mind like this: "There are many panes in a window looking outward towards the mystery that is God, and your daughter is simply looking through different panes." I would find out many years later that this was true. I sought Christian mysticism, Zoroastrianism, psychedelics, Buddhism, mindfulness, ESP, and a host of other things. What rose above all the dust was the quest for peace. Nothing could settle though until I was sober. There was no peace in that haze, and it only made my inner demons angrier. Changing lifestyle brought spiritual growth as a side benefit. I realized that I had been unable to progress because of my own problems, not anyone else's. I had to face those demons and learn how to live with them or expel them. I had to grow up and take responsibility for my actions. Still, I craved peace. One day as I was attending a recovery meeting at a small primitive building, I peeked into the other side and observed rows of empty benches. No crosses, no pictures, no altar. These were the Quakers, my friend said. I asked more about them. "Pretty much, they live what they believe. It's pretty wild. You should come; I think it would suit you." I went and sat for an hour in the quiet with these friends, most over 60 years old. There were a few children, and near the end of the hour one rose and said quietly, "I was at the pond the other day and I saw a goose with babies, and they all followed her in a row. She didn't have to say a thing and they followed her and it was amazing." And he sat down. That was the message for the day. Peace. Afterwards they shook hands, and chatted quietly and greeted us. I felt at home. So, I went back. And I have been going on and off for about 45 years. But there is no magic wand for living peace. There is no magic for living life. You must live it. There's the rub. In this life of mine, I (and I'm coming to see many others with me) would rather avoid. We have made a great sport of blame, avoid, procrastinate, work, obsess, gossip, complain, victimize, be victim, be sick, be unhealthy -- anything to avoid living in the moment. If this makes you angry, I am sorry. It made me mad too. But eventually, I came to see that what one of my early teachers said, "BE HERE NOW" had to be the wisest teaching I had ever received. One year, a while back, after many years of lost resolutions, I made only one, whether you call it a prayer, or a mantra, or a resolution. As the New Year's Eve wore down, I sat in silent meditation and said to myself and whatever the mystery is that might be listening and said into that peace, "Let my insides match my outsides." That has turned out to be one of the most difficult declarations I ever made. Many times, I have wished I could forget my words. At this later stage in my life, I have developed a conscience, a decent sense of integrity, some values, and yes, I believe in peace. I have observed enough in this world to know to my depths that we will not achieve peace through war. It's an oxymoron. Conversely, I know we won't achieve peace by talking. Like many other things, peace is achieved by acting, by living it in the whole of our lives. And in many ways, it is unachievable, because, as you are probably likely saying in your own head at this moment, conflict is unavoidable. This is where I have learned, from the Quakers, from Gandhi, and from Martin Luther King, Jr., that there is something to be said for intention. Here's a few examples of how Friends (the real word for Quakers) look at living peace: To the extent that the blessing of peace is achieved by humankind, it will not be achieved because people have outraced each other in the building of armaments, nor because we have outdebated each other with words, nor because we have outmaneuvered each other in political action, but because more and more people in a silent place in their hearts are turned to those eternal truths upon which all right living is based. ~ Dan Seeger, 1934- To end war and violence means having a better world, but that is impossible unless the people in it grow better. No relationship is finer than the people who compose it. Those who are endeavoring to abolish war, therefore, must themselves strive hard to become better people by living better lives. ~ Richard Gregg, 1885-1974 The moral man is he who is opposed to injustice per se, opposed to injustice wherever he finds it; the moral man looks for injustice first of all in himself. ~ Bayard Rustin, 1912-1987 Some of the best teachings didn't come from words at all, but from quiet walks along the river, in the soft pine woods, or along the trails of the beautiful native flowers of spring. Each spoke a soft message, calling me back to my soul. I had some of my deepest spiritual experiences without another human around, feeling in deep communion with Creation. Finding the philosophy of one's heart is no shortcut to living it! I found this out as I interfaced more with Friends of different persuasions. I experience my humanity first and loudly. I found myself discontented with the Quaker life. Pointing fingers, I found the three pointing back at myself. Searching for a way to examine my path, I found myself once again at the door of Buddhism. All is suffering, the Buddha says. What can I do to relieve suffering? I must accept what is and do what I can to relieve it each day. I must look at the things inside myself that cause suffering! Not the greatest harm, but even the littlest. It is all about the quiet, about seeking one's own heart. We ARE spiritual beings on a human journey. We must never forget that in this life, we are rooted in our human body. I must live fully in the body, in the moment. Stop, listen, be. In this moment is contained the wisdom that allows me to live in peace for the next.

Linda J. Wilk, MAPC, Coach Holidays present us with many conflicting feelings. Some people love them, or claim to, but I've found that many more people are filled with dread. Fear of how to make everyone happy; fear of what may happen that has happened in the past. Grief over loss of loved ones that is piqued by the holiday joy and lights. Memories of past conflicts and things gone awry. Many of us who claim to "love" the season may just be putting on a smiley face to get through. What are you doing to cope with your angst? I confess, my holidays have not been the best, and I have had to change my ways after many missed expectations with my kids. These were no doubt colored by my growing years in an alcoholic family, codependency run rampant. I wanted to make up for my own missed joys, and that caused me to miss my own family's feelings more than once. I had to simplify and learn to listen deeply. THE ART OF LISTENING In the past year, I have begun to practice regular meditation. I don't mean as a religious practice. I've just woven in a time of quietness in the morning, paying attention to my breath and inner thoughts, slowing myself down. In the evening, before bed, I do the same. I was going so fast in my daily life, that despite my desire to be present for others, I was listening even less. My mind simply could not stop buzzing with the day's activities. Listening to my own inner thoughts has made me aware of feelings I thought I had stopped having. I was feeling dull and numb. I was detached from a lot of family and friends. I even stopped contacting some people because I just couldn't think of what to say. This simple quiet time has awoken me to the things my quick pace had erased. COMPASSION Several other things have come to me as I simply devoted time to quiet this year. One was compassion. I noticed that as hard as I was on myself, so I was on others. Particularly my family, as I have lived with them the longest. This applies to my family of origin, my closest and longest friends, whom I consider like family, and my family that I live with now. I often transfer feelings that I am having difficulty dealing with onto those closest to me. I will see in them, with intensity, those things I have trouble dealing with in myself. This year I have started practicing compassion for myself and now for them. This will take me awhile, I can see. ACCEPTANCE IS THE KEY This is a slogan from my recovery program, and it comes back to me over and over! If I can't accept myself, and how hard it is for me to change, how will I ever find acceptance for those I have so much difficulty with? Sometimes I outright refuse to accept others, the issue is so difficult. In that moment I ask myself, what is this issue within myself. And there are times that I just can't see it. In this case I may have to take some distance, so I do no more harm to the other person. At least I can see that the harm is not mine now, instead of pointing fingers. This has been a long journey. There are many differing realities or viewpoints in a family and mine is not the only "truth." NEW TRADITIONS What would "we time" look like in a healthy relationship? You may not be there yet, but in your quiet time, allow your mind to drift to a new place. If you can dream it, you can begin it, Goethe said. Can you allow yourself to begin to see that you have a role in the continuing conflict, and that your family members have differing realities than yours, not "bad" or "good"? Can you begin to see that there might be a possibility of new ways or unfamiliar places where you could meet on neutral ground? Allowing ourselves to begin to see the new is the first step. This doesn't mean you give all over. You might need to define boundaries or speak your truth and be willing to hear theirs. This year, my friend became involved in a relationship that he felt was his heart's dream and I felt was dangerous. How polarized could a thing be? I had to admit his right to his own dream, despite what I might think. But I had to protect my family and not expose us to danger. What could be true? No one yet knows. I set a boundary that I did not want to be involved in and took a "wait and see" attitude. I have, in my prayers and meditations, extended a lovingkindness attitude. I truly don't know what will happen. Until this decision, I was filled with angst and anger. I was disturbed. Once I saw that I had no acceptance and no control, I saw what I needed to work toward -- the return of my peace of mind and acceptance of what I couldn't change. I let go of things, including my family's right to make their own decisions. I took a break, and I let my friend know. I apologized for being so judgmental and promised to continue to look at myself. I was honest about where I was. I don't like being so judgmental, but my gut won't leave me alone about it yet. So, I am doing what my best self tells me is right and trying to do no harm. SUMMARY I need a structure in which I can learn to slow down and see myself for who I really am and communicate deeply with others. I need to practice compassion for myself and others, so I can trust myself I need to live more in this moment, so I can see more clearly and practice acceptance of what is. I need work with loved ones to develop traditions with real meaning. In this way, instead of trying to fake traditions of the past, we can find a way to celebrate special times in a way that has true meaning for me and all the people I love. This is what it means to celebrate the "spirit" of the holidays.

The search for enlightenment exists inside me. All I must do is relax. I have had much awareness since I was a small child. One of the first things I remember sharing was the sense that the energy that is me will return to be with all the energy that is the energy of the world when I die or cease to exist. Then when another being is born, certain parts of the energy of the world will become that person’s essence or soul. I remember trying to tell this to my mother when I was around 5 years old. Then when I was around 13, when we were playing around with a Ouija board, my friends and I, I tried to explain it to them. How did I come to sense this was true? Why was it so important to me? I never questioned this, even during all my other religious questioning. I just knew it. It became a problem in my teen years, from the point of confirmation in my UCC church forward. I wanted to ask our pastor what he thought of it, and he told me it was too complicated a question for confirmation, and I would have lots of time to question later. Now I just needed to learn what our church taught. I was frustrated that my questions were not answered. These kinds of answers eventually drove me from the church and made me believe God did not really exist and was a myth of people to quell their fears. I do remember one wise pastor who counseled my mother as I was about to marry young, and my fiancé had some out of this world spiritual beliefs (like Jesus was an alien!): He said that I had enough spirituality in my little finger to challenge most other people and that my mother should trust that. He told my then fiancé and me that trying to find God was like looking through a many-paned window, and no matter what pane you looked through, you were seeing the same God. This was a wise man. In college, despite my lack of belief in God, I would argue through the night with people who said they believed in nothing! You MUST believe in something, I would say. Without it, you will perish. The emptiness inside yourself will suck you dry, and you will perish. Humans quest for a sense of connection and without it they die of loneliness. I was reading the German authors Hesse, Goethe, and Kafka. I’m sure that influenced me, but I felt this deep inside. I was no great philosopher, I knew these things, and they were so deep inside me, I argued them with people that I felt were at risk to die, whether from depression, isolation, or drugs. I began to discover what an empath I was. I also began to discover what a deep connection I felt with other humans, and an investment in their well-being. I was willing to speak up on their behalf, to risk all for it. I found my way to the social justice movement, to anti-war and peace marches, to working against poverty, for mental health and women’s rights. Where did this come from? I was innately drawn to these causes. It was of course the times for this – the late seventies and early eighties, but many of my friends were content with peace, love, and rock concerts. It just didn’t feel like enough. Due partially to genetics and partly to my quest for my own escape from family problems, I had my own drug and alcohol problems, which almost pulled me off the path. A friend’s evangelical rock band rolled through town, and I experienced an altar call that almost swept me off my feet – I realized then that I was in an active search – but for what? It certainly was not for the Jesus they were selling – one who kept them in poverty, lying about the sex they were having, the starvation and poor conditions they were enduring at the hands of the churches who invited them, then failed to provide income or housing. This was the church of my memory, hypocritical to the max. That panacea was no better than drugs. But I began to see that there was something deeper than all of this and that neither drugs nor church was answering it. I was beginning to lose control of myself in addiction. I was not functioning up to par. I was smart but incredibly disorganized, unable to meet commitments, moods swaying from one extreme to another, and my friends were becoming wary of me. I grew to be desperately lonely. Still, I had this quest for some form of spiritual belonging, as well as some intimate relationship. I met a young student pastor from Princeton, and we began meeting once a week in a pub near his school. I don’t know if he knew how desperately sick I was. But he was willing to talk to me over a couple St. Pauli Girl beers, and he did challenge me. He would ask me why this belief thing was so important to me, and where I got lost with the church. He told me that the best prophets in the Bible were not accepted in their own lands. He asked me why I was so afraid to speak up for myself. I had no answers. But I did tell him the story of my crazy alcoholic family and the abuse and how I just wanted to escape. Not one look of pity or support of me over my family came from him. Simply, “huh.” He just listened. I don’t think anyone up to that point had ever done that. Lots of people wanted to be white knights, get angry “for” me, wallow in pity with me. But no one had ever listened. There was that feeling of Presence. This again was that energy that I had always known was there. We were friends for a while. I have the sense that my drinking became too much of a block. We drifted. The other way this spiritual energy was a presence was in professors and staff at my college, their grace in sensing who I was, what I had to offer, and what was needed to shepherd me along. Without this, I would never have achieved or become what I am today. There was a woman I had known since my first days at the college, had worked for as a student employee, who continued to be a friend/mentor, the entire ten years it took me to finish my undergraduate stay. She walked me through my undergraduate thesis. She artificially provided the structure I was unable to give myself. What a blessing this woman was to my life. I never dropped the tools she gave me from my journey. These were things no one had given me in my parenting. What person loves another stranger like this? After barely surviving, I walked the stage on graduation with honors, thanks to her and others. There was a professor and his wife, in one of my majors, not God believers in any way, but believers in humanity. He had committed himself to teach American students how to think critically (something foreign to me coming out of a US public school). He would invite a small coed group of us to his home each weekend, his wife (who was Italian and equally intelligent) would cook us a curry. He was Oxford educated and would send us each a difficult and critically written article during the preceding week, and we were to read it and be prepared to critique it from our own point of view. The point was to develop one’s own economic, political, and philosophic point of view and be able to defend it. Wow! Never had I had to stand up for myself in this way. I learned what I believed about the world, why and how I wished to change it. I had to learn history, sociology, and political beliefs to know what my own were. I gained confidence in myself. I learned how my spiritual beliefs and values under-girded my other stances. Another professor, in linguistics and psychology, found me shaking in her final exams, because no one had ever taught me to take an exam or how to study. I had always just skated on raw nerves and brains. She told me to get out of my seat, go walk 3 times around the building, and just contemplate the nature around me. She said after that, come back, sit down, think about what I had loved learning this semester for 15 minutes, then write the exam. I aced it. I never knew that the information was in there beneath the memorization. I realized how much I loved learning and why. I saw my investment in myself and others. The pieces began to fit. Unfortunately, I was still under the lash of addiction. I was white knuckling it to get through school. I was dry for the period it took to get through the end, but once the goal was met, I fell right back into it. I had never met a goal so big, and I didn’t understand about the drop after the goal’s met. I fell into a deep depression, locked myself in my attic bedroom in my friend’s apartment, and drank from gallon boxes of cheap wine for the next 3 months of summer. I had only made one application for a job, and I wasn’t answering the phone, so there wasn’t much chance of getting that, I told myself. I was miserable. I told myself I might as well kill myself now than let the misery continue. As I was running out of money and getting more depressed, I started frequenting dive bars where creepy men would buy me drinks, and that saved cash. But I was running out of rent money, not knowing how I would keep going. For the first time in over 10 years, I might have to move home to my parents. I was drinking, not eating, and hearing voices. They would call my name then mumble things I couldn’t make out. The thought of moving home was giving me flashbacks to bad experiences there, bad dreams, and horrible fears. One day, just pacing around the apartment and searching the refrigerator for a snack, the phone rang. It shocked me because I wasn’t usually downstairs. I answered and it was the place I’d put in that one application. "Thank God," the voice on the phone said, "do you know we have been trying to reach you for weeks? All your paperwork has been cleared, we have a good recommendation, and we’d like to interview you." I was really shocked then. I had to pull myself together. I told my roommate and friend, who helped me clean myself up, paid for a haircut, helped me with make-up and clothes, and three days later off I went. Today I know it was truly a God thing! I connected so well with the supervisor at this hospital's mental health and detox unit, that she hired me on the spot. I was elated. I just knew I would be able to stop drinking because this was a job that meant so much to me. My senior thesis was on deinstitutionalizing mental health patients, and this would put me right there. Amazing! I prayed I would do well with it. What happened is I turned myself from a daily drinker into a binge drinker. In most hospitals, one gets off every other weekend, and a day in between on the opposite weeks. So it was with me. So those were my drinking days. I was so happy to have a “professional job,” that it was like a high in itself. The first 3 to 6 months were incredibly busy learning new things that were fairly easy. But it was too much to hope that my drinking would stay gone. While I never drank or drugged at work, the weekends got harder and harder, and I began to have blackouts and terrible incidents of things happening during those blackouts. It was humiliating. I didn’t think about my spiritual life. Too much energy was going into putting on the guise of being a “professional” and trying to drink like a social drinker. When I look back on it, it’s hard to admit just how much energy that took. I also had to move home for a brief time due to lack of cash, and that took an incredible emotional toll on me. I had started therapy at the graduate school at my college, but it was a form of analysis (what was free to me) and the free association was opening all kinds of gaping wounds. I was a mess. Someone at work let me know there was a small apartment for rent in the home of someone her neighbor knew. It was much closer to work, and no roommates! It was tiny, but very affordable. I decided to go for it. The only thing, which only I knew, was lying about my drinking. In my own head, this was a plus! I couldn’t drink in this house. It was all according to plan, I reasoned! Things did calm down for a while. I loved working with the alcoholic clients more than the mentally ill. I couldn’t stand the shock treatments with the depressed clients. The treatment for alcoholics and drug addicts made deep sense to me. Having lived my whole life with a father who drank, this was eye-opening. I also had five other family members in AA, so I had some experience. The patients felt comfortable with me and would request to have me in their groups. I was still an incredibly lonely person at 27 years old, living an isolated life. I did not see many of my old friends because they partied, and I would end up drinking or drugging. I talked by phone to a couple of girlfriends, and I had made a good friend where I worked who helped me a lot. She was active in Alanon. They were encouraging me to Alanon or ACOA. I knew I was still searching, but I didn’t know for what. An incredibly handsome man came into detox. He was a heroin addict, Irish, with dark hair and blue eyes. He would come out to the nursing station when I was working evenings and stand and talk for an hour at a time. I developed an incredible crush. I couldn’t see that he might be using me because I was so lonely. To become involved with a patient was grounds for immediate firing, but my loneliness overruled any rational thinking. Once he was discharged, he asked me out. Of course, I said yes. When we met up, he asked if I’d mind going to an AA meeting because he had to get a sheet signed. I didn’t. That evening changed my life. There were two speakers at the meeting, and one told my story – she described exactly what I was going through emotionally. She talked about the feelings of wanting everyone to leave or go to bed so she could drink the way she wanted to, how she wanted to blot out everything she was feeling emotionally. She talked about how everything in her life ceased to matter and she just wanted to die. She talked about being too much of a coward to kill herself but that it was not because of caring what others would feel or how they would be affected. This was me. I started crying and I thought I wouldn’t be able to stop. I was embarrassed. I looked the other way so the guy I was with wouldn’t see. I heard a voice in my head that said, “I let you go over here, I brought you back. I let you go over there; I brought you back! Now you are here, STAY!!” I felt it was God’s voice and that this was my last chance. I looked around the room to see if anyone else could see it. Of course not. I was anchored in my seat like I was nailed there. I couldn’t move. I could barely stand up when they did the prayer at the end. All through the two speakers they talked about getting a sponsor who had what you wanted, that you couldn’t do this thing without a sponsor. When we did stand for the prayer, I looked around and I saw this woman who looked so calm, and it was as though she was surrounded by light. I knew I wanted her for my sponsor, whatever that was. I went right up to her after the meeting and asked her. She asked me to call her the next day, and she became my first sponsor. She ended up teaching me so much more than just the steps because that’s what I needed. I will be forever indebted to her! It would be nice if it were all roses and Hersheys' kisses after that but far from it. I had done so many different substances, that I couldn’t really read or think straight for quite a while. Thank goodness for this gentle woman, who interpreted the steps to me, kindly listened as I babbled, took me and a handful of women to meetings and even on a vacation, and encouraged me into service by my second week of coming to meetings. Any time I balked, she said, “What was that about going to any length dear?” or “Do you want to be sober, dear?” At 90 days, or just after, she called me and said, "get ready, you and a few of us are going to Newark tonight for a meeting." This was about an hour and a half from us, and where we were in the country this was a big city meeting. I was scared, but we were all going as a group, so I couldn’t refuse. That’s what she taught us. When we got there, she told me I was the speaker. She told me to just ask God to speak through me and it would all be ok. I said, “You know I don’t believe in God!” She said, “It’s ok, he believes in you!” Having no other options except maybe to throw up, I prayed. It worked. The first guy, drunk, came up to me and said, “Sweetheart, you made it sound so sweet, I’m gonna go out and get a few more tonight.” But then two women around my age came up and said they identified and thanked me. That’s all I was hoping for, and I blushed and was so happy. My sponsor said, "See, it works." I struggled a lot in my first year. I still wanted to die. My sponsor would say, "Don’t drink, don’t drug and don’t die, and it will get better." She was right. Not everybody gets a pink cloud. I had to learn to be grateful for every good moment and to live a minute at a time. I had to treat my trauma in therapy and to learn to live a new way, by the steps in AA. I had to give up feeling sorry for myself and being a victim. I had to stop thinking the world was out to get me. I am no different than anyone else in the world. We all have our share of problems and good stuff. Often stuff seems to come in waves, and when the bad stuff comes, it can be tempting to say, "see how much worse I have it than others." That just makes it feel worse! The Alcoholics Anonymous Book says, “Our troubles we think are of our own making.” What that means to me is that when I wallow in my own stuff instead of looking for solutions or asking for help, I can make things much worse than they are. So, I’ve done probably 15 years of therapy out of my 40+ years of sobriety. Not bad for peace of mind. In the beginning I did 300 meetings in 180 days, and I started to feel better. I learned that whenever I am going through a tough time or a new thing, I go back to ninety meetings in 90 days to support myself. It never fails me. If I don’t do what I need for support, I have only myself to blame. I pray, I meditate, I call someone every day, I work the steps all the time. I belong to a small step group that is ongoing (Women's Steps by the Big Book), where we circulate through the steps ongoing, and the focus is on “How do I apply this step in my everyday life?” We use the Big Book and the 12 and 12, but we also use outside materials that might be helpful. Books like the Womens Way through the 12 Steps, Each Breath a New Beginning, Drop the Rock. We use a workbook called Steps by the Big Book. If someone suggests a new book, we are likely to try it out. In this way my spirituality keeps growing. About 3 years into the program, I met my husband, who is also sober. I found out that each new thing I add is another stretch for my spiritual growth. Who knew that someone leaving kitchen closet doors open could make me so mad? I had to grow in acceptance. I’m aware that he does things that could infuriate me, and I do things that do the same to him. So how are we going to build a life together? The answer is the same as the rest of my life – acceptance and surrender. Over 39 years I have come to see that we choose or are attracted to our partners just exactly for the spiritual lessons we need. I always want to blame him for the problems I need to look at in myself! Then we had kids! Each one has given me new lessons in spiritual growth, some easy, some ridiculously hard. I wish I could say that there were never any difficulties, but that would be a lie. Our eldest, our only son, is not speaking to us right now and we don’t really know why. We have not been perfect parents, but I believe we have been good enough parents. We do the best we are able. I pray that our relationship with our son will be healed before we leave this plane. When I was about 23 years sober, I walked into a meeting and was introduced to a young woman who was just returning home from an outward-bound-type treatment program. She was barely 16. I began to sponsor her. In her home, there was still chaos and danger, and she called me one evening asking what to do, because her social worker was there, they were removing her and the two options she had would involve places where she was fairly sure drugs were present. We took her into our home and soon took guardianship and she has become our third child. All I can say to you is that when I looked at this young woman, I saw me. I saw my own upbringing, the chaos, and the danger. I saw a chance to touch one person’s life. A chance to give back. My husband and I agreed she needed a chance. Has it all been perfect? Far from it. But the bond that exists between us is every bit as strong as the children I bore. We have both learned so much from each other. People in my home group still joke about the fights we had outside that meeting when she first lived with us and was quite a rebellious teenager. My whole family has stories to tell. But now, at 33, she is a maturing woman with children of her own, and is considerate, aware, and loving. She has become an advocate for children with special needs and is parenting 6 children, between her own and her stepchildren. She is resilient, deeply compassionate, and I am so proud to call her my own. My own children are each gifted in their own way as well. I was so happy to be able to homeschool them, which gave us the freedom to be present with each other, to travel, to do projects, to be individuals. We were able to be a part of a huge homeschool collective, so they were encouraged, had social lives, and were able to develop their own passions. These are spiritual gifts. I am continually called to new things. Much of it is to help others and to serve in helping other alcoholics and addicts particularly. But I have also been led to discover new gifts in myself that I would never have known were I not to listen to the still small voice inside of myself. When my husband and I were first together, we searched for a religion we could both settle on and raise our kids in, so we could have a community. This was not easy, since he was Catholic, and I was Presbyterian. We found the liberal branch of the Quakers. This was a resting place for us and a source of great nurture for many years. Then he moved more towards Buddhism and then agnosticism, and I later began to move towards Buddhism. The organized faith began to lose its shine for me, as I moved more into meditation and listening, and found less support in the structure of group worship. Nature and even Native American forms of spirituality have always held so much power for me in my private worship. I can feel the energy of the earth in my waiting worship. I would rather be outdoors in my meditation or sitting quietly where I can hear nature even when indoors. When my first daughter quit coming to Quaker meeting, she said, “there is as much or more of god here in this horse barn as there is in the meetinghouse.” I had to agree and support her wish. That energy that we all come from and return to – it is all around us and in us all the time. It is the Light the Quakers speak of. It is the thing that raises the hair on your arms when you are alone in the woods, and it makes you feel you might not be alone. It is the energy you feel when sitting in hospice with one who is about to depart. It is with me right now as I speak to you. Can you feel it? I pray you do. #Addiction #Recovery #SpiritualCoaching #SpiritualGrowth #Alcoholism #Quakers #Buddhism

In my dream there was a long corridor with no windows. It was dark, but light was coming from somewhere, just enough to see my way. I kept thinking there was someone I would be able to ask for help, but the further I went, the further away the people seemed to be. I became frantic and began running. I couldn't reach the people, no matter how fast I ran. In this dream, I would awaken either by falling on the hard floor, by gasping for breath, or by just running and running and never reaching the end, being startled awake by something I couldn't see. I had this dream over and over. I was in a time in my life that didn't make sense to me. I should have been happy, but I wasn't. I was dissatisfied and didn't know why. And I kept having this dream. I told a friend about it, and she said, "you should talk to this person I know. She does spiritual mentoring and coaching." I took her up on it and went to see this person. She was aligned with a Quaker meeting, but she didn't talk to me about religion. She helped me explore what was going on that had me so unsettled. She became my sounding board. Spiritual coaching was a vastly different thing than what I'd done in therapy: I felt listened to deeply and encouraged to contemplate my state of mind. I was encouraged to use my inner resources (dreams, imagination, free thoughts) as tools my psyche was presenting me with to unravel the message my higher self had for me. I was questioned about my values and beliefs and how they might influence my dissatisfaction. Like with much coaching, I was encouraged to set goals related to these values and set a course accordingly. These were measurable goals that I could see. I learned tools of contemplation, mindfulness, and an awareness of the need for nature and silence, as I learned to discern my own beliefs and what mattered to me. I admit, this eventually led me to the path I am on today. I realized I was not living in accordance with my own beliefs, and that to do so, I would need to make some tremendous changes in my life. I was denying an important part of my inner self. I started by incorporating some daily practices that would help me listen more clearly to my "higher self" on a regular basis. This led to the need for some other changes...and so on. And here I am today! The Coaching Academy defines spiritual coaching this way: Spiritual Coaching is a partnership to create meaningful change, transformation and lasting success in life and business. It's not only about change: it's about transformation and not just reaching goals but being present with the process.1 If you are looking for a chance to go deeply into your interior self, explore what you believe (and what you don't) then spiritual coaching is for you! Many people bring baggage with them or uncomfortable experiences they've had with churches or other religions, that they don't understand is affecting them. What's important is that it's a chance to get to know your own values and see where those values fit for you in the world. Sometimes people come as a couple, or even a family, to do the same work. A few generations ago, folks would mostly join the church of their parents and follow for generation after generation. It's not so easy these days. Churches vary from very conservative to very liberal, and many families are completely secular. Have you considered what all this means in terms of how you want to raise your family? Churches and synagogues used to be the source of the moral values that parents used to make decisions on parenting. Now I hear from many young people that they have no direction or thoughts as far as what to do with decision making or crises in the family. They don't know where to turn and feel they are on their own. They are faced with addiction, abuse, no way to deal with conflict, money issues, job crises, school debt, and a host of other problems, and they don't agree with their family's values or know where else to turn. Spiritual coaching can be a solution to many of these problems. They are life problems, yes. They are family problems or couples' problems. Approaching them from a perspective of what your values or beliefs are can give you a philosophy that will carry you not just through the moment but through your life. My dream, it turns out, was about how resourceless I felt. There were no doors to go in, no people to turn to, no way out! However, I learned that I had more internal resources than I had. I found out that if I slowed myself down and got out of the panic mode, I also had friends and neighbors who were resources I would never have thought to call upon. I needed a new perspective. The help I needed was to find the way to reach that new perspective. Spiritual coaching helped me open that inner door to me. https://thecoachingacademy.com/blog/2015/2/27. What is Spiritual Coaching. #Spiritualcoaching, #values, #beliefs, #religionandspirituality, #lifeproblems, #addictionandspirituality, #

When I awoke this morning at 3am, for the third day in a row, I knew something was wrong. This is only my third week in retirement. In the first two weeks, I was completely absorbed in a course I signed up for before my final day, dedicated to learning the ropes of online coaching and teaching. It's exciting -- a unique way to put my knowledge and brainpower to work. It's difficult to just relax, right? I do have a dedicated mindfulness practice, I do a bit of yoga, and I read something spiritual every day. Reading is one of my favorite hobbies, and if I must admit, being a boomer, exercise, other than outdoor activities, is one of my least favorite. I love gardening, but I could also be a couch potato, watching my favorite programs, reading, journaling. I do not consider these habits sloth, especially when most of my days in the last 50 years have been completely consumed with busyness. I did sign up for this course, however, and I must admit that I am a gregarious extrovert that some might call a "Type A" personality. Usually when people say I am over booked, my response is "This?!? You should see me when I'm really Busy!" When I work part-time, I do service work for the rest of the time. I am seldom without something to do. What changed when I "retired," was the stress. Gone are the dark circles under my eyes. Gone were the sleepless nights. My days regained their flow and my shoulders released from under my earlobes to relaxing naturally. I felt refreshed and my forgetfulness seemed less bothersome. So, what is causing this sleeplessness now? This morning in my mindfulness, I watched where my thoughts kept running off to... It is so interesting how a lifetime of running along with society's ways of thinking gets ingrained in one's mindset. I keep watching my breath go in and out, and my thoughts keep flowing to Doing. Guilt arises with the doing...let them float away with the clouds. I have been telling myself that no matter what my course mentors tell me about productivity and training new habits, I can accomplish what I need to in my own time. I am not out to become a millionaire, I just want pocket change to fund my forays to the natural foods restaurant or the farm market or thrift store.... breathing in fresh thoughts, breathing out guilt. I want a simple life, a value driven life, a joyful life. Breathing in joy, breathing out darkness. Suddenly I burst into laughter. I don't even know where it comes from at first. I am remembering my daughter telling me about my grandson's first day at preschool, how the teacher was about to reprimand him for pounding on the toy refrigerator, and my daughter had to redirect the teacher, "He is fixing it, it's what he does." It's what he does! How much are we the product of what we innately do? I am most happy when I do for others. It doesn't have to be people for me. The first thing I do when I rise is stretch a little, then I go down and let out the dogs who are so immensely pleased to see me. We walk outside and release the chickens from their coop. They squawk and run around with us, a morning dance. I do some more stretches as I watch them all wake and do their routine, and I go through mine. As I come back inside, it's coffee, morning readings, talking to the pooches and cats, and some morning meditation. This morning I realized that my disturbed sleep has been about trying to follow someone else's patterns, not my own. What do I want to do?? After 3 weeks retired, I honestly don't know. What I realized while sitting is it is much too soon to tell. I saw how easily I am pulled with the tide. I don't want to be, but like so many, the tide can have its influences, so subtly that I find myself going with it, my feet stuck in the sand. Good awareness to have. When I joined this course, I told myself I would take what I needed and leave the rest. Gotta watch that stuff! #retirement, #mindfulness, #choose peace, #awareness

Two years have gone by. But where did they go? If not for the kiss of friendship from a true love from far away would I ever have awakened? Sometimes that's what it takes to be released from the bone crushing juggernaut of organic depression. I had been languishing for over a year. Not untreated, but not thriving either. Because one of the hallmarks of this lifelong illness is its cunning ability to drive one underground, away from the contacts and community one needs most. There is an inherent sense of shame and humiliation that sets in as the pall of grey settles over one's body, a palpable weight rendering one helpless from seemingly simple tasks. It is a sense of being held captive by ghosts. To the outsider, seeing nothing present, it must appear bewildering, even frustrating, as all attempts to motivate or assist fail.  Believe me, it is just as baffling on the inside as out, as a silent hand clamps down on one's chest, inhibiting movement, day after day. Only something equally monumental seemed to move me: As my compatriot called informing me she'd literally lost everything, my compassion rose to meet her and my heart swelled beyond the reaches of my depression. As we were problem solving for her future, she challenged me about mine: Why are you not blogging your experience? Indeed, why not? Mutual compassion reaches beyond the bondage of self. Her question, her life, seized me. For in the depths of true loss, she was seeking creative ways to move forward and I was helping her to find them. In that moment of awareness, the Light in each of us spoke to each other and I was able to feel it once again.

"Out of the frying pan: A neuroscientist and former addict explains what a brain on drugs is really experiencing" From NPR An NPR interview opens the door to the science of addiction and if the interview tells even one tenth of what is in the book, then we are in for a bold awakening! Open Your Mind: Judith Grisel, both neuroscientist and recovering addict, is well-placed to study and tell the story of what drugs do to our brains, and indeed she does. I found myself devouring the content of this interview precisely because it was so specific. Judith outlined in no uncertain terms exactly how pot, alcohol, cocaine and opiates affect the neuroreceptors of our brains, replace the normal functions, and unfortunately, leave them hurting and craving more. Each drug affects the brain in specific and very different ways. Each leaves behind it's own different hole. And despite what you may have experienced in your own life, none has the power to permanently be helpful to your brain or life...especially if you are an addict. Each Drug Has Its Own Special Effect Take marijuana, which all who have tried know makes everything so attractive and interesting. It exaggerates the communication between the cells in the brain and makes everything more highly tuned. This is so much more than what is natural, that when we come down from the drug, everything lags behind. So after a while, cells will de-regulate to compensate for the effect of the drug. But this is not the effect of all drugs. Alcohol and cocaine and opiates each have their own different effect, affect different cells and neuroreceptors in the brain, some regulating very specific centers, some more general, but all causing long term changes in the communication between cells if used regularly. One Main Message "Never Enough: The Neuroscience and Experience of Addiction" is the title of Judith Grisel's book because as she learned from her personal experience and confirmed in her research, this is the language of the brain, and it is played out in our culture and in our society. I am really excited to read this book. I am curious to see is she holds an opinion about which feeds which. I have learned in my own experience how hard it is to live counter-culturally, seeking peace and serenity. Our culture drives the Never Enough mentality. Addiction feeds on it. Even once sober, there are a host of co-occurring behaviors one fights in the daily work of living sober that run counter-cultural. Do you struggle with them too? #Addiction #neuroreceptors #Neverenough #NeuroscienceandAddiction #AddictionvsPeace #ScienceandAddiction